Shit. Floats.

One of the benefits of my job, as is, is that I have access to a television all day and can pretty much watch whatever I like.

So, today I decided to "live blog," via twitter, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... which I love because it takes all the glee and earnestness of Toronto's Santa Claus Parade and purees it in a Disney Channel/Today Show blender.

Here's a collection of thoughts from the 2010 edition.

9:03 - And the first "What the Hell?" of the Macy's Parade goes to the "Spirit of America" dance troupe
9:05 - Hey "Spirit of America"... I had "get with the times" ready when you did Jessica Simpson's "Boots"... then I heard "Cotton Eye Joe"
9:10 - I may be hallucinating, but I may have just seen NBC blur out a fat man's nipples on a "Biggest Loser" ad.
9:20 - Macy's What the Hell #2: The Cast of "Memphis"... it's like Hairspray got knocked up by "The Princess and the Frog"
9:22 - And I'd like to thank the lead in "Memphis" for proving that I'm still handsome and talented enough for Broadway.
9:25 - I hated Green Day's "Good Riddance" before... one Broadway cast and like 20 acoustic guitars later, turns out I still hate it.
9:40 - Dear Rockettes, I used to think you were brutal and scary. Turns out you're all hot. I'm sorry.
9:55 - I would actually pay $1,000,000 for this Fallon/Roots performance of "Do They Know It's Christmas" to turn into "The Seed 2.0"
10:10 - Overheard on Parade broadcast "What's a Thanksgiving without pizza?"... The answer?... employed.
10:16 - Any second now, this Native American-sponsored float is going to burst open to reveal a "Give Us Our Land Back" banner. I can feel it.
10:21 - This marching band doing "I Got A Feelin" lacks all the talent and irony of Kanye's "Jesus Walks" backing band.
10:28 - What is this? The princess version of "Single Ladies"?
10:35 - I step away from the TV for 1 MINUTE and I turn back to a giant inflatable fireman & circus music. I had to ask my boss if we were on drugs.
10:39 - Big Time Rush... just a less Hispanic Menudo.
10:44 - Wait someone just used both "Pokemon" and "fans" in a sentence together... IN THE PRESENT TENSE!!
10:50 - And that was the whitest STOMP! ever...
10:51 - From now on I only want to hear the "Spiderman" Theme played by a marching band with a swing beat.
11:00 - "I'm sorry, I'ma let you finish but Macy's is one of the greatest parades of ALL TIME!!"
11:06 - Is this Aladdin the musical? NOPE... Persian heritage dance.
11:10 - These penguins = America's Best Dance Crew
11:15 - Doling out Victoria Justice... one 10-year-old heartbreak at a time.
11:17 - Why does every singer under 20 sound like they're on "Glee"?
11:18 - ... and of course, by "on Glee", I mean "on ketamine"
11:26 - I'm not going to say anything bad about the "Stepper-ettes" They look like perfectly nice teen Moms.
11:31 - STAYPUFT IS BAAAAAAACK!!!
11:40 - Here's one of America's most-beloved talents.... ummmm... I lost my sheet, what's her name?... Anyone??
11:41 - "Coming up next, a performance that will raise the roof".... IT'S AN OUTDOOR PARADE, PEOPLE!!
11:43 - Elves doing Backstreet Boys moves... U.S.A!! U.S.A!!
11:45 - Joan Rivers... Clearly drunk.
11:50 - What is Anne Hampton Callaway? Yes, I said WHAT... my guess: Susan Boyle and Anne Hathaway's lesbian love child.
11:57 - And now for the thrilling conclusion, a local pederast draped in red velour!