Heard on High

In 17 days, I leave the magical city of Phnom Penh for Christmas in Perth, Australia.

I'm pleased to report that sunny climes and balmy temperatures in Southeast Asia have not dampened my seasonal instincts. My heart still flutters as we begin the season of advent.

This morning I had an inaugural listen to two new Christmas albums: One offering from the Indigo Girls (!) and another from Joan Osborne. And tonight, I wandered the empty quiet streets of my neighbourhood with the Rankin Family standard Do You Hear on my ipod. Being halfway around the world can't dampen my joy in hearing those soaring sisters' voices.

In my wonderings and wanderings while listening to Ave Maria and the Christ Child Lullabye, I actually spotted a christmas tree. Fake, alight in the window of a Western Bank near the Independence Monument. Neocolonial heralding to be sure, though I couldn't help but smile.

Turning back to the house, I walked by the neighbourhood pagoda. Orange robes hung in windows and gold glistened on moonlit spires. Colour, shadows and light. All was still, and I felt...home for Christmas.

Your Official 2010 Christmas Cocktail: "The Bing Crosby"

OK, so this is actually just a cherry gin sling, but it's still festive, delicious and embodies everything I've come to associate with history's greatest crooner:

It's smooth, a little sweet, refreshing and has a crisp, boozy finish.

The Bing Crosby:
(serve in a highball, over ice)

2 parts Gin
1 part Cherry Brandy
Top with soda
Garnish with two maraschino cherries (if you like your Crosby sweet, add in a teaspoon of the maraschino syrup)

Stir, croon and swoon.

A Christmassy Ted

...If these 20 seconds aren't enough to make you want to find and watch the "Father Ted" Christmas Special ("A Christmassy Ted") I don't know what will...

Pancakes For The Elderly

There is a beautiful feeling that most of us experience but rarely get to enjoy.

There comes a time just before one is about to fall flat on their ass, where the world stops dead. Your feet begin to slide out from below you, completely ignorant of your brains repeated orders to hold their ground. The muscles in your back, legs, arms, neck, shoulders and ass slam on the breaks and tense up like your grandmother watching Borat.

Now here it is. For a sweet fleeting moment you and your awkward, pokey, gangly, lanky body are set free. Free of the only world you know and it's gravitational restrictions. It's as smooth as dental floss and as exhilarating as soft core pornography on french cable television. Yes, falling, not landing, falling is amazing. If only we could capture and store this moment of weightlessness.

With the holiday season, formerly known as CHRIST-F*****G-MAS comes the formation of ice and snow. With ice and snow comes slipping and falling. It's just going to happen Jimmy. So, the next time you realize you're about to land on your face, pause for that split second before impact and be aware. Be aware of the feeling that only astronauts and skydivers and bungee-jumpers can know. The moment when no part of your fleshy pink existence is in contact with anything.

There is beauty is this moment. Beauty and calamity. Oh, how the two go hand in hand.

Shit. Floats.

One of the benefits of my job, as is, is that I have access to a television all day and can pretty much watch whatever I like.

So, today I decided to "live blog," via twitter, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... which I love because it takes all the glee and earnestness of Toronto's Santa Claus Parade and purees it in a Disney Channel/Today Show blender.

Here's a collection of thoughts from the 2010 edition.

9:03 - And the first "What the Hell?" of the Macy's Parade goes to the "Spirit of America" dance troupe
9:05 - Hey "Spirit of America"... I had "get with the times" ready when you did Jessica Simpson's "Boots"... then I heard "Cotton Eye Joe"
9:10 - I may be hallucinating, but I may have just seen NBC blur out a fat man's nipples on a "Biggest Loser" ad.
9:20 - Macy's What the Hell #2: The Cast of "Memphis"... it's like Hairspray got knocked up by "The Princess and the Frog"
9:22 - And I'd like to thank the lead in "Memphis" for proving that I'm still handsome and talented enough for Broadway.
9:25 - I hated Green Day's "Good Riddance" before... one Broadway cast and like 20 acoustic guitars later, turns out I still hate it.
9:40 - Dear Rockettes, I used to think you were brutal and scary. Turns out you're all hot. I'm sorry.
9:55 - I would actually pay $1,000,000 for this Fallon/Roots performance of "Do They Know It's Christmas" to turn into "The Seed 2.0"
10:10 - Overheard on Parade broadcast "What's a Thanksgiving without pizza?"... The answer?... employed.
10:16 - Any second now, this Native American-sponsored float is going to burst open to reveal a "Give Us Our Land Back" banner. I can feel it.
10:21 - This marching band doing "I Got A Feelin" lacks all the talent and irony of Kanye's "Jesus Walks" backing band.
10:28 - What is this? The princess version of "Single Ladies"?
10:35 - I step away from the TV for 1 MINUTE and I turn back to a giant inflatable fireman & circus music. I had to ask my boss if we were on drugs.
10:39 - Big Time Rush... just a less Hispanic Menudo.
10:44 - Wait someone just used both "Pokemon" and "fans" in a sentence together... IN THE PRESENT TENSE!!
10:50 - And that was the whitest STOMP! ever...
10:51 - From now on I only want to hear the "Spiderman" Theme played by a marching band with a swing beat.
11:00 - "I'm sorry, I'ma let you finish but Macy's is one of the greatest parades of ALL TIME!!"
11:06 - Is this Aladdin the musical? NOPE... Persian heritage dance.
11:10 - These penguins = America's Best Dance Crew
11:15 - Doling out Victoria Justice... one 10-year-old heartbreak at a time.
11:17 - Why does every singer under 20 sound like they're on "Glee"?
11:18 - ... and of course, by "on Glee", I mean "on ketamine"
11:26 - I'm not going to say anything bad about the "Stepper-ettes" They look like perfectly nice teen Moms.
11:31 - STAYPUFT IS BAAAAAAACK!!!
11:40 - Here's one of America's most-beloved talents.... ummmm... I lost my sheet, what's her name?... Anyone??
11:41 - "Coming up next, a performance that will raise the roof".... IT'S AN OUTDOOR PARADE, PEOPLE!!
11:43 - Elves doing Backstreet Boys moves... U.S.A!! U.S.A!!
11:45 - Joan Rivers... Clearly drunk.
11:50 - What is Anne Hampton Callaway? Yes, I said WHAT... my guess: Susan Boyle and Anne Hathaway's lesbian love child.
11:57 - And now for the thrilling conclusion, a local pederast draped in red velour!

American Thanksgiving Rules, Okay?

So, one of the unique experiences I had while living overseas for almost two years came in November 2006 when I was working in Egypt. The magazine that I was writing for was run (and largely staffed) by Americans.

In late November, my editor, who happened to be a Canadian ex-pat, swung by my desk and asked, “So… you going to the boss’ place tonight?”

After a few minutes of vacantly staring at each other, he caved and explained. “The publishers are having a Thanksgiving dinner for all staff tonight at their place. I’m guessing the vacant look was because no one told you”.

To which I responded “Well, yes… but the vacant look had more to do with the fact that Thanksgiving was a month ago. Will they even let me in, given that I’m Canadian?”

We had a laugh about it and then he explained that, yes, the event was open to all and that even some of the Egyptian staffers were attending (another post may go into detail about the Egyptians/Candied Yams dichotomy). So, out of curiosity more than anything else, I attended.

See, I’d always had this opinion about American Thanksgiving and the fact that it’s historically ridiculous. There’s no way anyone would be celebrating a successful harvest at the end of November, and that fact remains entrenched in my nicely-conditioned Canadian brain.

But here’s something they don’t teach you in your grade seven Canadian history class…

American Thanksgiving rules.

It is way better than Canadian Thanksgiving. So good, that one attendance was enough to completely overlook blatant historical inaccuracy.

Imagine this, my fellow Canadians… in one day you get to jam in all of the following events:

- Thanksgiving dinner
- The Santa Claus Parade
- Trimming the Christmas tree
- Several daytime football games (and meaningful ones, since it’s late in the season)

Oh yeah, and then, to top it off, you get a dry-run for Boxing Day the very next day. All of this, PLUS a four-day weekend and you still get that day off in October for Columbus Day or whatever bogus long-weekend they claim to be celebrating south of 49.

I’m sorry, but as much as the positioning of the day makes zero sense whatsoever, there’s something to be said for it being significantly better than our Thanksgiving and *probably* the second best holiday all-year, Stateside.

Consider all of this… now look back on all the specials you’ve watched in recent years or as kids. You know, the ones where they talk about the miracle of Thanksgiving and how important it is… be it “How I Met Your Mother”, “Home Improvement”, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, whatever. Look at all that, consider everything they jam into one day.

Add in the entire family.

Then add the fact that just a month later, everyone does it all again to basically tear it all down and exchange gifts and ask if you wouldn’t mind having that kind of deal up here.

Yeah, me too.

Happy Yanksgiving everyone.

May All Your Christmases Bea White

I'm working on a list of Christmas cocktails. In the meantime, here's the kind of gong show we can expect to be hitting TVTropolis in the next month or so.

And now, a word from Edna, who promises to post something more substantial

FYI Jersey Shore, the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Jerseylicious: Home Hardware was all over this guido business back in Christmas of '95. I present to you Paula and Peter Stefanuto of Sudbury, Ontario:

Due to copyright regulations, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer will not be shown. Somehow, Pepsi-Cola corp et. al. don't mind us re-airing their Yulesploitation ads from 1991:

I would like to know whether the good folks of 1991 would actually buy four 2L bottles of 7up just so they could ~save five dollars~ on a $25 Game Boy game that seems like blatant 7up propaganda. In the interests of authenticity, the makers of this reel included the commercial breaks as they were, so prepare to get pissed off by those same recurring ads you hated in 1991!

Just scroll to about 4:00 for the "Vanilla Ice Rides into a Deadly Wall of Fire" Circus of the Stars promo. Not making this up. SPOILER ALERT: HE SURVIVES.

(NERD NOTE: I tested the blog in Chrome, Firefox and Explorer, and I'm glad to see my browser preference validated as it works best in Chrome)

bling bling bling bling bling

It's that time of year, my loves. With Renners enjoying more of a Tet-style holiday season, I thought I'd kickstart this old girl back into motion and see if anyone wants to toss in any yule logs to stoke the fire.

My holiday season began in earnest yesterday with the Santa Claus Parade and the older I get the more the realities of it being a frustrating event present themselves, but it still leaves me with the kind of wonderment and anticipation for Christmas as it did when I was four years old.

Yes, I realize the costumes probably don't get washed from year to year. No, I don't want to deal with those screaming kids. Yes, I laugh when kids fall down and hurt themselves... BUT, I appreciate it as the event that officially makes thinking about Christmas okay in this city, and it happens to be one of the only events this city can consistently do well, so I feel like I should revel in it before I'm saddled with kids of my own to try taming for the 2 hours the parade leaves them out in the freezing cold.

Still... every year Santa comes to town, I scream like an idiot when whichever drunk they've paid to pose as him comes rolling by on a glorified cube van and immediately go home to have my inaugural watching of Muppet Family Christmas.

So sue me.

So, it has begun. Feel free to join in, and invite your friends to do likewise. Because Christmas time is, in fact, here.