Know Your Holiday Beverages

It's the time of year that all good retailers bust out their best holiday lures.

December always represents a boom for scented candles, plush toys, scarves and repurposed gift sets.

However, few retailers cash in on the holiday season like the hot beverage sector.

It's a good bet that as soon as the Pumpkin Spice Latte displays have been dismantled, red cups will roll out and the strains of adult contemporary Christmas collections of choice (your choice: Sarah McLachlan or Michael Buble!) will soon flood your local non-indie coffee or tea retailer.

But there can be a disconnect between what retailers think they are selling you and what actually winds up in your cup.

Here's a run-down of some select favourites:

Second Cup's Noel Nog
Official Description: Premium brewed coffee with steamed eggnog, topped with whipped cream.
What they're Going for: Can't decide what you want? Have a bit of everything! We swear... it's awesome.
Likely outcome: An obese acquaintance once disclosed that her Mom made "The best coffee. Ever" that consisted of a half cup of coffee, half cup of cocoa powder, vanilla extract and whipped cream. It may have also had butter in it.
That sounds more appealing to me than a nog/coffee split.

Starbucks Holiday Blonde Roast
Official Description: A new version of our Christmas Blend. Lots of sweet and spicy flavor in a lighter roast.
What they're Going for: Don't like our bold, spicy Christmas blend? Try our slightly lighter bold, lighter Christmas blend!
What it Brings to Mind: A different sort of Christmas blonde. Ironically, also bold and spicy.

Timothy's Winter Carnival
Official Description: Brimming with flavours of caramelized sugar, vanilla and custard, Timothy’s Winter Carnival is like crème brûlée in a cup. Celebrate this season with this sweet treat that will bring you warmth on a frosty winter day.
What they're Going for: We're different from other coffee chains because we have less money. Sooooo, buy our crazy, interesting foreign-looking yet distinctly Canadian brew so we can become big enough for you to hate us, too.
What is Going on in that Promo: Seriously... What is going on there? Has that princess brought those jovial winter creatures to life under that ethnic dancer's skirt? Are her nether regions the toy room from The Christmas Toy where these beings co-exist during our sleeping lives?

Santa's Secret by David's Tea
Official Description: A deliciously minty black tea sprinkled with mini candy canes.
What they're Going for: Are you a middle-aged woman that's looking to cut calories this holiday season by cutting back on sweet beverages? Try this tea, it's totally lo-cal ... except all the candy.
Marketing Flaw: Do we really want to think of Santa's secret? Because it's probably an awkward break-time erection at a mall food court.