Poptrocities: Mariah Gets Extra Festive

So, we here at NTBR have been kid to Mariah Carey in the past (even if it has been in a slightly backhanded way) as she seems to continually only pop up around this time of year. Remember how she used to be everywhere and then "Glitter" happened??

Well, since then she's done one thing and only one thing well... yuletide cheer with a slight dusting of icing sugared sex.

That song, you know the one. It's everywhere round this time of year. THAT is not Mariah's fault. It's everywhere for a few reasons:

1. It's actually a fucking good song.
2. It appeared in "Love Actually"... a movie quickly establishing itself as a modern Christmas essential beloved by the middle-aged, British and, most importantly, middle-aged Brits.
3. It's probably the only relevant Christmas song released by an adult contemporary artist in the last two decades which makes it a stalwart for light Christmas programming.

Get used to it, Mariah will be part of your Christmases when you're in your 60s the way Ella Fitzgerald and Darlene Love still fly off the shelves come December.

So, what, you may ask, has it suddenly done to warrant a thorough once-over a solid 16 years after its original release? (Yes, it is that old)...

Three words... EXTRA. FESTIVE. VERSION.

That's right kids, as if Mariah this one track wasn't enough... the one that has kept her relevant for one month of every year for the rest of time... the one that's probably kept her in a lifetime supply of sugar plum cash... it just needed to be updated... kinda like a boob job for Christmas carols.

And we all know that boob jobs are always necessary and can never go wrong in any way, shape or form (more on that below).

But that once-over Mariah gave the track... not enough. She's at it again with her new disc "Merry Christmas II You".

Before you get excited, NO there is not another Boyz II Men collab on this one (I wish), but what it does have is the brand new, "All I Want For Christmas is You (Extra Festive Edition)"



First off, while I'm on the subject of sugar plums... look at the ornaments Mariah's packing inside her Christmas Sweater.

While this is a far cry more tasteful than her "Glitter era" crop-top-pops or her more attrocious (yet apt) Golden Globes swingers, it's still Christmas, and you're still 40.

It seems like Mariah is way older, but regardless of that, it's still way too lecherous and creepy for my festive appetite.

Somehow Mariah has managed a rare double feat of having looked and acted like a total Coug since 1997 yet at the same time perpetually being way younger than her saggy silicone veneer would suggest.

But on to the track itself... This thing is the selling point of the new album. There's a sticker on the front of it promoting the track.

And you'll notice two key differences.

1. The triumphant, Whoville-esque bells at the opening, and
2. The backing track which has gone from the persistent piano tinkling with tinny drums to a full Phil Spector wall of sound.

Is this what you have to do to goad already susceptible 40-somethings into flitting away their endlessly disposable income into your new "CD". Is this what you expect those under 40 (who no longer buy CDs, since they're archaic and now about as useful as mini-discs) to spend a whole3 3:30 downloading?

A whole album for this?

OK, so I haven't listened to the disc (why would I?)... maybe it has the version of "O Come All Ye Faithful" we've all been waiting for... maybe it has another version of "O Holy Night" for Edna to get a Christmas boner over... Maybe it even has this generation's "All I Want for Christmas is You" on it.... who knows?

But the point I'm trying to make, the point that no one will make once this thing spends a month or so on the Top 40 is that this one, like all other follow-up Christmas albums (and, truthfully, a lot of Christmas debuts) is unnecessary.

Mariah, you should know better.

Now please personally stay at least 100 metres away from Christmas (your one great song is naturally excluded) until you have the good sense to re-team up with Boyz II Men and record "One Sweet (Christmas) Day" and/or a reinterpretation of their 1993 classic album "Christmas Interpretations".

It's the least you can do.